Sucks, ain't it? You think you have passed that chapter. You have finally found a new life without him in it - obviously. You are now in complete control of your feelings. You are moving on, not so fast just baby steps but in a direction in which everything seems to be much better. Then there he is, with just a simple Hi, asking how's your life had been. And you start questioning everything you believe in the first place.
They say too, that in order to move on, you first have to let go of every single feeling you held in your heart especially the not so good ones - hatred, guilt, vengeance. Let bygones be bygones. Sweet. But how can you? It's not like you can simply talk yourself out of it "hey hatred, you are no good can you just disperse into air?" Or "don't feel guilty baby, life is like that keep calm and carry on" can you? can you?
YOU CAN'T.
Today I bought Cleo (it's been ages!) because apparently one of the topics there caught my attention; CLEAN BREAK. Why the no-contact rule helps you move on for good. Hahaha you're quite behind, Cleo. Wayyy too behind, I must say. No-contact rule? Pfttt.
Deleting.. Number? Checked. Facebook? Checked. Twitter? Checked. Whatsapp? Blocked and well, checked. I'd go as far as calling maxis to block his number, but no, I didn't go to that extend. Thought of it, but I guess there's still a part of me somewhere deep inside hoping that this won't end (what if he really needs to talk to me? What if what if what if. Wow hope. Sweet.) Urgh girls. *rolleyes* got to admit, I'm not that smart! Haha. Should have really called maxis. Too late now.
So what did you get by doing all this? Satisfaction? Doubtful. Peace? Not even a second. The right question is, why you did all this? Is it because you really really really don't want him to contact you ever ever again forever and a day more? Or is it because you're afraid that if he didn't you end up being the one contacting him? Denial you. Classy.
Did that work, baby? Have you moved on already? Have you forgotten everything about him? You think you have, don't you? So you let your guards down once again. Hmm what could unblock whatsapp contact possibly do harms to you, you ask yourself. Wrong move.
Hi, how's life treating you? Tengah buat apa?
2 options; reply or ignore. Brain says, IGNORE. Heart says, give it a go baby. As friends. Nothing personal. Just merely a catch up. Friends do that all the time. Come on, no holding grudges, remember? So..
Haiiiii. (Why is there so many I you dumb girl?! That sounds desperate. Must look cool, must!)
Baru balik kerja, tengah explore pasar ramadhan jap. (What's up with the details?! So much for trying hard to look cool)
U? (Tettttt you lose! Rule number one, never ask question, rule number two, never show you're interested in engaging into 4 hours straight conversation, rule number three, why replyyyy in the first placeeee)
The beginning of the misery.
So, all those months of detoxifying love seem pointless now aren't they? Your fingers are itching to reply. Your heart thumps a gazillion beats. You smile at his reply. Even smile when replying him. Anticipating. The sound of the whatsapp tone is the loveliest now, isn't it?
Clearly, self control isn't your best quality baby.
Regretting. *sighs*
How can I make this right again now? Back to the traditional clean break no contact rule? Again? And how long this time will it last? Another 6 months?
It sucks to feel good for the things you are supposed to not feel good about.
I'm in dire need of self-control, seriously.
I need to stop. Stop feeling good and guilty at the same time. This is unhealthy!
And for the record, my guilt led me to 4 days of poor diet. 1st day, coffee and half mcd double cheeseburger. 2nd day, bahulu and raya cookies. 3rd day, coffee and half warm chocolate cake - couldn't even finish a slice of cake. shitness! today, soya bean and takoyaki. Haven't tasted rendang, nasi himpit and kuah kacang just yet this raya! Haih.
And now I'm finally quite understand the scientific reason behind heartbreaks and weight loss. Haha.
Just like how I always suck at eating healthily or dieting, I suck at ditching old love too. Sad life. Need a new toy to replace this one obviously. Haha.
So.. Back to square one, self?
The first and foremost rule, epic one I must add;
NEVER REPLY. So what if he asks you questions? So what if he says something funny and you think you can come with hilarious reply? So what if he says he misses you?
Depressing, this post is. I know.
Hoi raya makan rendang lah! Bukan menangis sebab termenyesal pergi reply whatsapp orang tu. Gila.
Perempuan yang paling rasa dia in complete control of her emotions and feelings, but end up being just as stupid as typical girls in love, aku lah tu.
Okay lah nak amik kesempatan ini untuk depressed kan lagi diri dengan lagu-lagu cinta sedih atau tak sedih tapi tetap rasa nak sedih sebab memang tengah mood nak torture diri sendiri dengan bersedih sahaja. Untung-untung boleh turun berat badan.
Current overplayed songs in mp3;
1) Nothing at all - santana
2) Don't you remember - adele
3) Somebody that I used to know - gotye
4) He won't go - adele (denial at its best)
5) Selepas kau pergi - laluna
6) The man that can't be moved - the script
7) Bleeding love - leona lewis
8) Almost lover - a fine frenzy
9) Bukan orang suci - element
10) Seberapa pantas - sheila on 7
Celakanya hanya kau lah yang benar-benar aku tunggu, hanya kau lah yang benar-benar memahamiku, kau pergi dan hilang ke mana pun kau suuuuuuka.
And now even the catchy song sounds depressing, ain't it? Haha. Love the video clip. Reminds me of form 1. Hehe.
Bye nak kuruskan badan dengan bersedih lagi. ;)
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
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